Suddenly Numb

Kyle's a very sick little boy?  What does that mean?  It must be a really bad viral infection, or something, for Kyle's doctor to have said something like that.  But, in a moment's time, her words changed our world...forever.  She said something that my brain wouldn't process, or accept, from the instant it heard it.

Although I heard the words, I still heard nothing at all.  As I listened, without the slightest of feelings, Dr. Dziok cried, as she said things about Kyle's blood, his kidney and his spleen.  I was always an intelligent person.  But, that conversation would never have indicated anything like that.  I didn't get it.  I couldn't get it.  It would have hurt to much if I did.  So, I didn't.  My head knew what my heart couldn't handle.  I had become suddenly numb.

As Dr. Dziok continued to speak, and explain, I heard nothing.  All I understood was that she was going to have Kyle moved to Children's Memorial Hospital, because she felt Kyle would have the best doctors, and the best treatment, there.  Even though I already thought he had the best doctor, and care, just where we were.  Why was she doing all of this for a bad virus?  But, I trusted Dr. Dziok.  She must have a reason for doing what she was doing.  So, I just went along with whatever came next.

So, after Dr. Dziok was done telling me everything she thought I needed to know, we both left the room. She continued to cry, as she hugged me, as I was completely without emotion.  Then, I saw my Sister, who stood across the hall from me, likely waiting to know what was going on with Kyle.  As I moved over to her, I saw Kyle, my Dad and my Brother-In-Law, in the reflection of the glass, of Kyle's hospital room.  And, as I told my Sister what Dr. Dziok had just told me, I repeated all kinds of information that Dr. Dziok must have told me.  It all just came out of my mouth.  And, as it came out, so did the meaning.  Suddenly, I felt like I knew what was going on.  As I said the words "cancer" and "leukemia", to my sister, my heart hurt worse than anything I could ever have imagined.  And, the sudden pain, flowing tears and heaving sobs, all met...with no way to stop any of it, from that moment on.  And, as I was feeling what were the worse feelings of my life, I saw my Dad's, and Brother-In-Law's heads, both drop to what seemed like the ground, while my sister, and I, fell into each other's arms.  It was at that moment that I finally understood, again, what cancer, and leukemia meant, just like I had known before Dr. Dziok used those words.  And, from that day, I was surely not numb, anymore!

How Could One Day Change Everything?

How could one day change everything?  I learned, first hand, that it can!


For us, it was just an ordinary day.  It was Collin's first birthday party.  While the party was in progress, and while fifty people were enjoying the day, Kyle slept through a good deal of it.  That was so unlike Kyle.  Nothing else seemed obvious, looking back, now.  However, the very next day, when Kyle and Collin were playing, I said something to Kyle.  Although, he didn't seem to hear me.  So, I said it, again, a few times, a little louder each time.  He finally heard me.  This went on for most of the morning.  And, finally, I decided that he must have some sort of virus going on, being that he was so tired, and then his hearing wasn't right.  Maybe it was an early ear infection starting, because he didn't have any ear pain.


We made our way to the doctor.  It was about an hour to our Pediatrician's office, because we had moved just a few months before this. And, since we really loved his doctor, I decided to make the drive.  So, we waited in the examining room.  And, as Kyle's doctor walked in the door, she looked at Kyle, and in a matter of moments she said "Kyle is a very sick, little boy."  What did she mean?  Bad virus, I'd guess.  But, I could never have been prepared for, or could ever come even close to guessing, just what she said next.

From Intense Grief To Incredible Survival

I am finally here!  It really is miraculous that I'm telling my story, today.  I truly never thought that I'd ever find my way, or become a real grief survivor.  However, I am so very grateful to say that I am, now.

The moment that my greatest life challenge entered my life, was the moment that my survival journey began.  19 years ago, my first born child, my four-year old little boy, Kyle, left this world...but surely not my heart, or the hearts of others that loved him so. After a mere five-month, but intensely fierce battle with leukemia, Kyle's frail, tiny, cancer-damaged body could fight no more. His shortened life, and very unwelcome death, has laid so much of the groundwork for the way I now choose to lead my life.  But, until the last few years, I didn't see Kyle's life-changing reminders, at all.

The pain that comes, with the death of a child, is nothing other than indescribable.  There are no words, or feelings, adequate to describe what such a painful experience, and loss, does to our hearts, our souls and every part of our being.  Yet, the love, and the memories, are truly the gifts left behind.

So, how do I describe what we ultimately learn from our greatest pain of all?  Again, there truly are no words...  But, in order to help "others" understand such an unwelcome journey, and to help others "like me", I will try.

Try To Imagine

About two months after Kyle was diagnosed with leukemia, a dear friend of mine's two-year old little boy, Ryan, was also diagnosed with leukemia. What an terrible coincidence.  And, by far, the worst common denominator to share with a friend.

Ryan's treatment started, and ended, even quicker than Kyle's did.  After only two months into his cancer journey, Ryan's compromised body faced an untreatable fungal infection, that ultimately took his life.  So, there were his grieving parents, making the most dreaded plans of their life, their own child's funeral arrangements.  And, there I was, with Kyle, fearing I'd be doing the same, soon.  Kyle's bone marrow transplant process started just a couple of weeks before Ryan died.  So, the life-threatening effects were already taking place, and Kyle's little body was starting to crumble.  On the day of Ryan's visitation, I so struggled with being with Kyle, and also being by Diane's side, while also saying "goodbye" to Ryan.  I decided I would go for just a little while.

On the way there, I was trying to imagine what Diane, her husband and all of their family were feeling, and going through.  It really wasn't hard to do, because in all honesty, I terrifyingly thought that Kyle, and I, were just a few steps away from them, anyway.  I thought about what I would say to them.  What could I say?  They were burying their child the next day.  The more I thought of all of this, the more I cried.  When I got there, all I did was hug Diane, and her family.  There truly were no words good enough.  Because there was nothing anyone, or I, could say that would ever make them feel better, again.    

Then, only five weeks after Ryan was gone, my worst nightmare, and greatest life challenge, came to life.  Cancer took my precious, little Kyle, too...  The pain is nothing short of indescribable.  It is physically, and mentally, crippling.  And, no matter how "prepared" I thought I was, nothing could have prepared me for my child leaving my world, breaking my heart and changing my life...forever.

I looked back, then.  And, I look back, now.  That night, that time, when I thought I could imagine what Diane was going through.  I was nowhere close.  When it finally happened to me, it was a million times worse than even I could have imagined.  Even though I thought I truly could.